12/13/10

Raising the Flag So High You Can't Reach It

He’s got me wrapped around his finger without even trying or caring to --his movements memorizing me as he walks about in his ways, with closeless closeness, standing nearby as he talks to me, always at arms length as I approach,

a tenderness that’s neither missing nor present, making me jealous when he’s away, causing me to question everything about myself, I drop everything for the smallest request, yet demanding nothing and imposing always, I will bend over backwards at his beck and call,

going into debt to feed him, waiting at night in case he comes calling, checking my phone for his texts during the day, trying to make plans and not be disappointed if he doesn’t come through, granting him every concession and expecting nothing of him

when he returns my favor it is the sweetest thing to me, the most honest and wonderful gift to be offered a ride or a bunch of bananas from the grocer, and still i am

impossibly situated between love, friendship, and hatred; he can’t love me and i can’t love him, because despite the time we have spent together at the courts or on the sofa I do not exist to him beyond being a cup of tea or a dvd or a stax record

yet I still rest my thoughts on him, smiling, laughing, thinking about his words, like when he follows me from room to room telling me stories as I get ready in the morning and I leave the house feeling completely elated, that nothing could go wrong for me

until i dread the inevitable time when we won’t have this, this, what we have, this friendship, this immaterial thing that is binding me to him and meaning nothing at all

am i flesh and blood or just a ghost helping him along, making him tea?